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Saturday, December 15, 2007

The Worst Band Names Of '07

The Worst Band Names Of '07

By Kyle Ryan
December 14th, 2007

Each year, The A.V. Club receives hundreds of albums, thousands of press releases, and several thousand more show listings for hundreds of venues around the country. At any given moment, our editors are besieged by information on bands, most of whom we've never heard of. Sifting through all that info, we inevitably encounter questionable band names. Actually, you could argue any moniker is questionable, but here we're talking about the really bad ones, and others that are at least kind of funny or otherwise charming. We write them down on an ever-expanding list over the course year then present them in our annual Worst Band Names feature. This list isn't a compendium of the worst names of all time, just the ones we encountered this year. Are you ready to rock?

Just plain bad

The Color Fred
Job For A Cowboy
Da Bears
From San Diego, home of Da Chargers.
Yo Moma's Big Fat Booty Band
Mental Afro
"FunkHopRock 4 the Soul"
Shout Out Out Out Out
Dyslexic Speedreaders
"What happens when 2 Hollywood rappers team up with a cracker from Oakland?" Don't ask.
The Asbestos Tampons
Among their MySpace friends: Tasty Twat Records
Malice In Wonderland
I Sank Molly Brown
Poetic Justice League 4 America
The Hobbits Of The Shire
Uprise Of The Dope Fiendz
Kidz In The Hall
Poets & Pornstars


Pistol Whipping Party Penguins
Baboon Torture Division
Their site proudly boasts that it ranks "1 for Baboon Torture Porn on Google."
Those Fucking Unicorns
Unicorn Dream Attack
Sex Rat
Penguins With Shotguns
Tigers Can Bite You
Abbreviation: TCBY.


Butt Stomach
Their MySpace page looks like it was designed by Homer Simpson.
Electric Vagina
Never mind the goofy name. "Electric Vagina is committed to grassroots marketing and building a fan base one person at a time," vows their bio.
Ballcock Assembly


Gay Witch Abortion
Comanche Abortion

Gay Baby
Dance Me Pregnant
Let's French
Whore Du Jour
They apparently took their name from an Imperial Teen song.
Roger's Porn Collection


The Rape Ape
Statutory Grape
Raperies (Like Draperies)
Their entirety of their bio: "I'm putting the pieces together. I'm starting to add the dialogue. The storyboard is starting to take shape. And this can't end well. It just can't."

Proper Name/Title Combinations

The House That Gloria Vanderbilt
Lists "Baby Jesus" as an influence, and says they sound like "a snapping pussy." Their bio boldly proclaims, "the faggot has risen......fighting for the power of the us harness the escape of air from vaginas around the world......join the somebody."
Neil Diamond Phillips
"Part Neil Diamond, Part Lou Diamond Phillips, 100% Rock!" Sadly, the band doesn't sound like Lou Diamond Phillips singing Neil Diamond songs.
Harmonica Lewinsky
Does it make it better or worse that they're a Scottish blues band?
Goodbye Girl Friday
Chevy Metal
From their bio: "Basically, the idea behind Chevy Metal is that they play rock songs from the 70's, DIRT ROCK, as they say. Music that a meth dealer from 1973 would have listened to."


Generally speaking, it's a bad idea to state a genre classification in your name, but funk (and ska) bands have a compulsion to do so. The results are always terrible.
Phunk And Associates
This "down 'n dirty partylicious funkstation" briefly disbanded when a founding member left for school, but they decided to keep going, as "the phunk never leaves you."
Officially known as "Ivan Neville's Dumpstaphunk." Its website proudly states that its message board is "now %100 pornography free!"
Felonious Funk
You'd think a dot-com URL would be one of the perks of calling your band "Felonious Funk," but no, this Massachusetts band had to settle for a .net. (Someone's sitting on Rest assured, though, their style—"smooth Jazz and Latin grooves to today's dance hits and all your Motown favorites"—are "perfect for any wedding, corporate or social event."
Hellz Funk
Fans of this Chicago funk-metal act needn't worry: Hellz Funk's second album, Corpse Flower, will be out soon, and it's "groovier, heavier, all together tighter than [first album] Damnitol and will be ready to bite off your genitals and French kiss em' in your mouth next year. Stay greasy Funkwads."
Hubble Funk-o-Scope
"Purveyors Of Soulful Groove"
United We Funk
Sadly, not a patriotic funk band that plays covers of stuff like Lee Greenwood's "God Bless The U.S.A."
Dysfunkshun Junkshun
Their URL? Their sound "has made them a favorite for Private Events hosted by A-List Celebrities, Dignitaries, Fortune 500 Companies, Weddings, and top clubs in the US."
Album: Your Politics Suck, on Buddha Bug Records.
Nu Funk Mafia
During the band's "flirtatiously spontaneous stage show," their "antics are only upstaged by unmistakable musicianship and songwriting skills."
420 Funk Mob
How can you make a band name with "funk" in it worse? Why, incorporate a pot reference, of course. This band of "funketeers" could only top that by adding a wang reference. Maybe 420 Funk Knob Mob? 420 Funk Mob Knob Slobs? Quick, residents of Colorado and Vermont, figure this out for us.
The Demon Funkies
They promise "the energy of Angus Young and confidence of James Brown" with music that has an "uncanny ability to draw people out of ordinary reality." They recently played the Funk Ball, not to be confused with Funkball®, New Zealand's felted wool ball that "adds value to your life as useful fun."

Related: Genre in name
Some jams featured on Live From Yucca Muthafucka: "Booze Rap," "Dayz Like Theze." Don't let their partying distract you, though, their serious goal: "Rap Scallions came together to make an impact on the world of music."
Any Swing Goes
Don't worry that this big band "from the heart of London" will be too pricey: "We're a semi-professional outfit; most of play for the love of it, which means that booking us is remarkably affordable." Not with how the dollar's doing against the pound right now!
Punk As A Doornail
The guitarist uses a homemade guitar made from an old skateboard, which is pretty badass.

Also related: Names implying boogying, grooving, or other hippie shit
Groove Hawgs
17 Hippies
They're German, but that's no excuse.
Groovin' High
"What makes GROOVIN' HIGH the best Function Band in London?" They'll be happy to tell you. See their complete list of clients.
Endless Boogie
"Watching Wish Doctor is just like watching a real concert," boasts their bio. Wow, it's like you're seeing a real band?
Capitalist Hippie Complex
What's the recipe for the Capitalist Hippie Complex? They'll tell you:
1.5 oz top shelf Funk
2.0 oz conscious Hip Hop
1.0 oz underground Jazz
Mix with anything
add High Energy Twist
Serve Chill as a Motha Fucka

Honeydew Revue
This Austin band wins for Best Opening Line Of A Band Bio: "34.7 hundred years ago, in the mountains of Echinacea, an elf gave birth to a baby elf."

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